Susan Olmstead Wang

But sadly, her best just wasn’t very good.

I have been fussin’ (as we say in the South) in my heart for a long time over a teacher whom I thought was mean and discouraging to my child.

While she was nice enough to my other kids, she seemed to think … what? That this one was disrespectful to her, that he was working below his potential, or that she could whip him into a shape she preferred?

We got up early early to travel a long distance to get to this good school; this kid was a night owl and he grew so tall so fast — sometimes he arrived sleepy. That irritated her – I guess she was a well-caffeinated early bird. His nice forest green jacket with tan leather collar irritated her – he liked to wear it (a cocoon against her scolding?) and sit in the back row of the classroom (as far away from her as he could get?). That irritated her – I guess she was not cold.

I was careful to respect her cultural background. She was neither Chinese nor old New England, as is our family. I had juggled differing educational expectations from those two sources for a long time. My Chinese husband wanted the kids to ONLY study and to win the top grades. I wanted them to study well but also have opportunities for emotional intelligence, sports, and friends. This teacher represented a third culture in which, it seemed, intimidation and scolding were potent forces for change. Maybe they did change my child – he went from bright eyed to discouraged and detached.

I did not run down to the school to complain — I wanted to give the young person some room to discover and maneuver, to work out what he could without being a helicopter parent or Tiger Mom embarrassing him in his environment. Also, I did worry that if I raised the issues of her bullying one kid, she might take out her displeasure on the younger ones.

Maybe I did not know how to raise a specific, limited problem and work with her to find a solution. What would I have said? “The problem is that you are singling out one kid and being mean” or “The solution is for you to stop it!”? I felt bullied, too. Did I abandon my child in his distress? Others at the school seemed to tolerate, and even appreciate, her; she has recently retired with accolades after many years there.

I have often prayed a favorite verse, “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me” (KJV, Psalm 51:10). I memorized it early on and have repeated to myself often when disappointed by my own behavior or stressed by an immature reaction to someone (who might be as immature as me)!

Recently, I felt it was time to really look at this kernel of resentment that I have carried around in my heart, perhaps even nurtured there in the dark. It’s time to clean up my heart — like the recent overhauling, downsizing, and cleaning up of my house and my stuff.

First, I wrote a letter to the child who was affected by this teacher’s approach. Basically, I told him I was sorry for what he had experienced and that I wish I had gone down to the school like a “Mama Bear” on his behalf! So much for giving him room to maneuver and solve the problem: he was 15 and a polite kid; she was 50 and self-satisfied with the “rightness” of her approach . . . or she was just thoughtless, one.

I have excellent academic credentials and experience in training teachers who are studying for their masters in education. By my reckoning, she was not well trained for the United States or for understanding that there are many kinds of learners and learning styles. She wanted a narrow, sequential, pencil-pushing student who would think every assignment of hers was fascinating. This high school had a group of boys who were highly intelligent and easily bored in the classroom, yet polite. We parents paid the high tuition fee hoping that someone could challenge them. She lost them. One young computer science teacher was able to connect with them, perhaps because he had been this kind of student in his own past.

I have considered other questions about my own attitude. Perhaps I was too preferential towards my own child? Perhaps she was a “good enough” teacher but, somehow she became a “hook” on which I hung some of my stresses in challenging times? Our work was always challenging and exhausting and we were taking care of our kids, always a “bonus” kid, and my husband’s mother in our home. I have been thoughtfully considering the issue of whether my perspectives were “ethno-centered.” Even as a multilingual person intermarried with a person from a different so-called “race,” I am aware that prejudices about others can remain and stain my thinking.

I have prayed for a clean heart to forgive her for not doing the perfect thing at the perfect time for my child. I need also to ask forgiveness and to forgive myself for any inappropriate burdening or unfair blaming of her, for also not doing the perfect thing at the perfect time. Teaching is really hard — and we never know what were the lessons that had the most impact. We hope for positive impact and for the students’ best possible futures. .